The difficulty of writing. Report 7, June 2005.
Trying to survive
here one is in a constant state of exhaustion, so trying to write reports makes
one's life even more exhausting. The difficulty is not in a lack of things to
write about, but in a lack of space to think clearly about the millions of things
that are honestly dumb-founding. So rather than write a report about something
specific, I thought I'd just send one about everything and nothing. A kind of
stream of consciousness...
It's exhausting
to be here because of the lack of planning and structure in one's life - even
if one has appointments and things to do, there's a general lack of structure
to life in the Territories. A general lack of time and space in the abstract
sense as well as the real. The real is easy to feel: one is seldom left alone,
the social
aspect of life here is very strong, everyone very welcoming to the point of
being suffocating at times. The lack of space obvious in the limited areas one
is allowed to travel and wander - inevitably wandering into a checkpoint, a
wall, a settlement, a definitive border of some kind. Somehow however everybody
functions - albeit with difficulty - within these conditions. Somehow everybody
obeys Israeli rule over Palestinian life. There is no choice. The fear is ingrained,
the fences and walls and checkpoints may be all around but they have also been
internalized, creating a surveillance method that Foucault could have perhaps
only imagined in a nightmare.
There is so much
going on here, so much to write about: discrimination from the outside as well
as on the inside, repression, internalization of loss and victimhood, betrayal,
differentiation, racism, hopelessness, struggle, exhaustion, the list goes on.
And yet it's as if nothing changes, only the negative aspects of life seem to
get stronger. No gains are made, only more losses to deal with, more blows to
get accustomed to. At the same time everyone agrees that the difficult conditions
here come down to two things that feed each other: Israeli occupation and internal
social problems - the latter may be the "work" of religion, corruption,
a lack of openness, discrimination, whatever. The obstacles to overcome are
immense. The whole place is like a social nightmare that keeps getting worse,
a miserable experiment in human relations and domination, a cruel joke, a truly
unbelievable set of circumstances and daily difficulties, where it's impossible
to escape the sense of absurdity and meaninglessness to one's hopes and trials
to achieve anything small. Everyone's efforts are questionable, because so much
needs to be surmounted that one wonders if he's not wasting his time - whether
it's a minister, a doctor, an aid worker, a teacher or a business man. So much
needs to be fixed, to be struggled for, that every achievement is on the one
hand huge and on the other hand a nano-drop in an immense ocean of impossibilities.
This place is
crazy. In fact there are no words to describe it. Perhaps the same was said
of Rwanda or Yugoslavia or of Iraq today, where the failures of mankind to treat
each other as equal beings have taken their toll... never mind equal, just as
human beings... And yet everyone manages to keep going, even if they're exhausted
and wonder why they should keep living. Such is the human fate, to keep going,
to keep doing with what's been given to you. People wonder why the Palestinians
keep fighting and struggling, and yet no one seems to ask the question: why
not? They have less and less to lose everyday. Every achievement, even if absurd,
is still a huge gain. Isn't it human to keep trying? Isn't the human condition
to keep having hope even when all odds are against us? Why bother living otherwise?
It may be
exhausting, but there is no other choice. While maybe limitations and victimhood
have been ingrained, so have the will to struggle and keep dreaming.
I've been reluctant
to write a report in the past few days. I haven't had internet or computer access
for a few days as I was in Jenin, but it's also a matter of figuring out what
I'm suppose to write about. It almost feels repetitive: a mafia is forming in
Jenin and slowly taking over life there, the night belongs to those who have
weapons (the police force and the young mafia shooting at each other all night);
the discrimination intra-Palestinian is astounding, the elite are benefiting
from the situation forming pseudo-monopolies and behind-the-scenes deals with
the government, the poor are finding comfort in religion. In a way it's very
stereotypical, despite the unique aspects of the political conditions.
A man tells me
of his tears at his daughter's graduation from university. "Where are these
kids supposed to find work now?" There's a huge gap between those who are
forging ahead with their advanced education and the demands of the market for
workers. Many try to make ends meet by holding more than one job; and yet everyone
is convinced that education is the way out of misery - even thought everyone
knows that the educated are unemployed, or under-employed too. Another man tells
me of his fights with his daughter over wearing a mandil or hijab. She feels
pressured by her friends and society around her to cover herself. Her father
disagrees, claiming that people are not veiling themselves because of religion
but because of social and peer pressure to appear religious, even though religiosity
as a whole is on the decline. Young girls, from the age of 14, are arguing with
their parents to be veiled, not wanting to be the targets of social criticism
or mafia threats. Their parents fight the losing battle. There are others of
course who do think their daughters should be veiled, but are under the illusion
that their daughters are safe locked-up at home. And yet it is these same girls
who spend all their time chatting on the Internet or through text messaging,
watching the music video of Haifa and Ruby and the latest sexually explicit
videos of dozens of Arab female singers.
The recurring
theme in all of my thoughts is that all the problems faced by individuals, families,
businesses, organizations, the media, what have you, are really microcosms of
the problems of the whole "state." And that's the thing: here we have
all the makings of the state without a state, resulting in only the negative
and repressive influences of the Enlightenment project called the nation-state.
It's the left overs and crumbles of the influences of the West, where there
is nothing sustainable here, and as everyone repeats, a life, a collective,
a pseudo-state without a strategy, a plan, without a future. This is "Palestine":
everything that a state is made up of is here: bureaucracies, a government,
more ministries than one can count, endless media outlets, assistance programs,
a police force, a security force, regulations, monopolies fighting with the
small enterprises, and so on... But there's one thing missing that presumably
a nation-state also brings to its citizens: sovereignty and freedom. Here it
is not so. Everything that may have to do with the positive, liberating aspects
of a state does not exist. It's certainly depressing and exhausting... but not
reason enough to give up.